Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair.
I have gathered here before me...
the world's deadliest assassins...
and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers.
That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil gets angry...
Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.
And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset...
people die!
Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?
Mustafa, Frau Farbissina...
I spared your lives because I need you...
to help me rid the world of Britain's top secret agent...
the only man who can stop me now.
We must kill Austin Powers!
Come on, babies. Work with me, people.
Show me love.
Great, baby!
Oh, behave.
It's Austin Powers!
Hello, Mrs. Kensington.
Why don't you ever model for me?
You know how Mr. Kensington feels about that.
Oh, behave.
Yeah, baby!
I'm Basil Exposition with British lntelligence.
We have just received word that Dr. Evil...
is planning a trap for you tonight...
at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club...
here in swinging London.
We'll be there.
There you go. Come on, baby.
Austin, it's a swinging shindig.
It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!
Yeah, man!
Can I get you a drink?
Sure!
Austin, we've got to look for Dr. Evil.
Wait. I've got an idea.
Austin! Why on earth did you hit that woman?
Let me show you, baby.
That ain't no woman.
It's a man, man.
One of Dr. Evil's assassins.
Look out! He's got a knife!
Good work, Mrs. Kensington.
Get up!
Where's Dr. Evil?
Where is he?
There's the bastard.
Let's go.
Coming through.
I've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Not this time.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!
See you in the future, Mr. Powers.
My God! He's freezing himself.
And so Dr. Evil escaped...
and had himself cryogenically frozen...
to return when free love no longer reigned...
and greed and corruption ruled again.
Commander Gilmour?
Speaking.
This is Ritter in Sou-west Com Three.
We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring...
and an unorthodox entry angle.
What are you saying, son?
It appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy.
Good God. He's back.
In many ways, the Big Boy never left, sir.
He's always offered the same high-quality meals...
at competitive prices.
Shut up.
Shall I scramble Tac HQ for an intercept?
What's its current position?
I'm presently tracking it over Nevada.
Oh, my God! The Big Boy's gone.
Listen, son...
I want you to forget what you saw here today.
Phillips, call the President.
Prepare the jet, bring my overnight bag...
and feed my fish.
Not too much.
I'm off to London, England.
Powers volunteered to have himself frozen...
in case Dr. Evil should ever return.
I hope your boy's up to it.
We don't want to have to bail you out again like after WW ll.
This is our celebrity vault.
Please.
Who is this Austin Powers?
The ultimate gentleman spy-- irresistible to women...
deadly to his enemies, a legend in his own time.
Attention. Stage one: laser cutting begins.
Laser cutting complete.
Stage two: warm liquid goo phase beginning.
Warm liquid goo phase complete.
Stage three: reanimation beginning.
Reanimation complete.
Stage four: cleansing beginning.
Cleansing complete.
Stage five: evacuation beginning.
Evacuation comp--
Where am l?
In the Ministry of Defense.
It's 1997.
You've been cryogenically frozen for 30 years.
Who are these people?
The shouting is a temporary side effect...
of the unfreezing process.
Yes. I'm having difficulty controlling...
the volume of my voice!
This is Commander Gilmour, U.S. Strategic Command...
and General Borschevsky, Russian lntelligence.
Are you mad?
A lot's happened since you were frozen.
The cold war's over.
Finally, those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes.
Eh, comrades?
Austin, we won.
Groovy. Smashing. Yay, capitalism.
Mr. Powers, the president's quite concerned.
We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada.
When do I begin?
Immediately.
You'll be working with Miss Kensington.
Mrs. Kensington!
Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long since retired.
Miss Kensington is her daughter.
Here she is.
Vanessa is one of our top agents.
My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body...
and I bet she shags like a minx.
How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process...
I have no inner monologue?
I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.
Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties.
A lot's changed since 1967.
No doubt, luv, but as long as people...
are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners...
without protection...
while experimenting with mind-expanding drugs...
in a consequence-free environment...
I'll be sound as a pound.
Danger Powers' personal effects.
Actually, my name is Austin Powers.
It says here Name--Danger Powers."
Danger's my middle name.
Austin Danger Powers--
one blue crushed velvet suit...
Hey, all right.
One frilly lace cravat...
There it is.
One silver medallion with male" symbol...
one pair of ltalian boots...
Buon giorno, boys.
One vinyl record album...
Burt Bacharach plays his hits...
one Swedish-made penis enlarger pump...
That's not mine.
One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger...
signed by Austin Powers.
I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.
One warranty card for Swedish- made penis enlarger pump...
filled out by Austin Powers.
I don't even know what this is.
This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
One book: Swedish-made Penis Enlarger Pumps And Me...
(This sort of thing is my bag, baby)...
by Austin Powers.
Just sign the form.
Don't get heavy, man.
I'll sign it, just to get things moving.
You're all right, baby.
Listen, Mr. Powers.
I look forward to working with you...
but do me a favor and stop calling me baby.
You can address me as... Agent Kensington.
Oh, come on.
All right, then...Vanessa.
Was that so hard?
Come along. We have to leave immediately.
We preserved your private jet just as you left it.
It's waiting at Heathrow Airport.
My jumbo jet! Smashing, baby!
Sorry.
Quickly.
Come on, lad. Let's go.
Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair.
It's been 30 years, but I'm back.
Everything's gone perfectly to plan...
except for one small flaw--
due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa...
complications arose in the unfreezing process.
But my design was perfect.
Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth!
But, Dr. Evil, we were unable to anticipate...
feline complications to the reanimation process--
Silence!
Let this be a reminder to you all...
that this organization will not tolerate failure.
Let's get down to business.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Somebody help me!
I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.
Some of you I know...
some of you I'm meeting for the first time.
Hello up there! Anyone!
Could someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.
You've all been gathered here to form--
Excuse me.
He's down there.
No, not dead--burned. Badly.
If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here...
I could get out.
I designed this device myself--
Good. I'm glad you found me. Listen...
I'm very badly burned, so if you could just--
You shot me!
Moving on--
You shot me right in the arm!
Let me go around the table and introduce everyone.
Frau Farbissina--
founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.
Random Task--Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire.
Show them what you do.
Patty O'Brien-- ex-lrish assassin.
His trademark-- a superstitious man...
he leaves a tiny keepsake from his good luck bracelet...
on every victim he kills.
Scotland Yard would love to get their hands...
on that piece of evidence.
They're always after me lucky charms.
Why does everyone always laugh when I say that?
They are after me lucky charms!
What?
It's a television commercial...
with this cartoon leprechaun...
and all of these children are trying to chase him--
Hey, leprechaun man!
Won't you give your Lucky Charms?"
And there's all these tiny bits of marshmallows...
stuck right in the cereal...
so that when the kids eat them, they think...
Oh, this is candy. I'm having fun!"
Finally, we come to my number-two man.
His name...
Number Two.
For 30 years, Number Two has run Virtucon...
the legitimate face of my evil empire.
Dr. Evil, over the last 30 years...
Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds.
About 15 years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals...
to the communications industry.
We own cable companies in 38 states.
We own a steel mill in Cleveland...
shipping in Texas, oil refineries in Seattle...
and a factory in Chicago...
that makes miniature models of factories.
Naturally.
Gentlemen...
I have a plan.
It's called blackmail.
As you know, the royal family of Britain...
are the wealthiest landowners in the world.
Either the royal family pays us...
an exorbitant amount of money...
or we make it seem that Prince Charles...
has had an affair outside of marriage...
and therefore, would have to divorce.
Prince Charles did have an affair...
he admitted it, and they are now divorced.
OK, people, you have to tell me these things.
I've been frozen for 30 years.
Throw me a frickin' bone here.
I'm the boss. Need the info.
No problem.
Here's my second plan.
In the sixties, I developed a weather-changing machine...
a sophisticated heat beam which we called a laser."
Using these lasers," we punch a hole...
in the protective layer around the world...
which we call the ozone" layer.
Slowly, ultraviolet rays would pour in...
increasing the risk of skin cancer.
That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
That also already has happened.
Shit.
Hell, let's just do what we always do--
hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage.
Gentlemen, it's come to my attention...
a breakaway Russian republic, Kreplachistan...
is about to transfer a nuclear warhead...
to the United Nations in a few days.
Here's the plan.
We get the warhead and hold the world ransom for...
one million dollars!
Don't you think we should maybe ask...
for more than a million dollars?
A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days.
Virtucon alone makes over $9 billion a year.
Really?
That's a lot more.
OK, then.
We hold the world ransom for...
one hundred billion dollars!
Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh?
When you see this jet a-rockin'...
don't come a-knockin', baby!
I'm going to need you to sign these release forms.
Release forms?
You're not officially working for Ministry of Defense...
and these forms indemnify the ministry against...
any mishaps that may occur in the line of duty.
Mishaps? But isn't that what being...
an international man of mystery's all about?
Name--Austin...Danger Powers.
Sex--yes, please!
How does a hot chick like you...
end up working at the Ministry of Defense?
Well, I went to Oxford...
where I excelled in several subjects...
but I ended up specializing in foreign languages.
I really wanted to travel.
You know, sort of see the world?
That's fascinating.
Why don't we go in the back and shag?
What?
I've been frozen for 30 years.
I've gotta see if my bits and pieces are still working.
Excuse me?
My wedding tackle.
I'm sorry--
My meat and two veg, my twig and berries.
Hello, lads, you still awake?
Mr. Powers, please.
I'd appreciate it if you could concentrate on our mission...
and give your libido a rest.
Can I show you something?
I won't bite...hard.
All right.
Let me ask you a question, and be honest.
Do I make you horny?
Randy?
I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.
Oh, turbulence! Look at that!
I've gone over!
Oh, I fell over again!
I will never have sex with you, ever!
If you were the last man on Earth...
and I was the last woman on Earth...
and the future of the human race...
depended on our having sex simply for procreation...
I still would not have sex with you.
What's your point?
Remember when we froze your semen?
You said if it didn't look like you were coming back...
we should try to make you a son...
so that a part of you could live forever.
Sure.
After a couple of years, we got a little impatient.
Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son.
My son?
Scott!
I'm your father.
I haven't seen you my whole life...
and now you come back and just expect a relationship?
I hate you.
What?
Could I have a hug?
-Give me a hug. -No way.
I'm not coming over there.
-Let's go. -Forget it.
-Pronto. -What are you doing?
I'm with it. I'm hip.
Don't look at me like I'm frickin' Frankenstein.
Give your father a hug.
Hey, don't touch me!
Hug...
Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
Viva Las Vegas, baby!
Welcome to Las Vegas, sir.
So, which side of the bed do you want?
You're sleeping on the sofa.
In fact, I'd like to remind you...
that the only reason we're sharing a room...
is to keep up the context...
that we're a married couple on vacation.
Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?
How do you like to do it?
Do you like to wash up first...
you know, top and tails, whore's bath?
Before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage...
a bit of a how's-your-father.
I'm just joking.
I'm just trying to get a rise out of you...
for shits and giggles.
Let's unpack.
Blimey...
nerd alert!
How did this get in here?
Somebody's playing a prank on me.
Honestly, it's not mine.
Hey, Americans!
Enjoy that wine.
There you are.
Do I know you?
No, but that's where you are. You're there.
Viva Las Vegas, baby.
There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon...
which we think may be linked to Dr. Evil.
Plenty of Virtucon executives are gambling in this casino.
Smashing. Let's go.
There's one over there.
Changing a thousand.
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I join you?
Not at all.
The game is blackjack, gentlemen.
Ten thousand dollars minimum bet.
King for you, sir, and a three for you.
Seventeen?
Hit me.
You have 17, sir.
I like to live dangerously.
Four. Twenty-one.
Five.
I'll stay.
I suggest you hit, sir.
I also like to live dangerously.
As you wish, sir.
Twenty beats your five.
I'm sorry, sir.
I won't lie to you.
Cards are not my bag, baby.
Allow myself to introduce...
myself.
My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my wife Oprah.
My name is Number Two.
This is my ltalian confidential secretary.
Her name is Alotta...
Alotta Fagina.
Come again?
I'm just not getting it.
It sounded like you said your name was a lot of...
Never mind.
What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?
That's my business.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys' room.
You keep your eye on the ltalian bird.
We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite.
You didn't happen to see...
anything at all?
Sorry.
Howdy.
That is one crazy getup you got there, fella.
Thank you.
Are you in the show?
No, actually, I'm English.
I'm sorry.
Hey, partner?
Have a good one.
Partner, relax. Don't force it.
Gonna blow out your o-ring, drop a lung.
Who does Number Two work for?
That's right, buddy. You show that turd who's boss.
Grab ahold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell.
We're gonna get through this.
That sounds pretty nasty.
How about a courtesy flush over there?
Jesus Christ, boy.
What did you eat?
Gentlemen...
the warhead is ours.
Patch me through...
to the United Nations security secret meeting room.
Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.
In a while you'll notice...
the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing.
If you want it back, you're going to have to pay me...
one million dollars!
Sorry.
One hundred billion dollars.
Gentlemen, silence.
Now, Mr. Evil--
Dr. Evil.
I didn't spend six years in evil medical school...
to be called mister, thank you very much.
It is the policy of the United Nations...
not to negotiate with terrorists.
Really?
So long.
Gentlemen, in exactly five days, we will be $100 billion richer.
How's Austin?
He's asleep.
You didn't.
I made him sleep on the sofa.
Vanessa, I'm proud of you.
Why?
Because you've managed to
God knows he tried, mummy.
I actually had to end up being rather firm with him.
What about his teeth? It's really bizarre.
You have to understand, in Britain in the sixties...
you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth.
It didn't matter.
Did you ever?
Me? No, of course not.
I was married to your father.
Did you ever want to?
Austin is very charming...
very debonair.
He's handsome, witty...
has a knowledge of fine wines.
Women want him, and men want to be him.
He's every bit an international man of mystery.
You didn't answer my question.
I know.
Let me just say this--
Austin was the most loyal
I will always love him.
Do you want to speak to him?
No. It's been too long.
I'm going to have to go, but I love you.
Ciao, darling.
A limo's just pulled up.
Let me see.
That's Dr. Evil's cat.
How can you tell?
I never forget a pussy...
cat.
Oh, no. He's gone away.
My God, Vanessa, you are so incredibly beautiful.
That's it.
Come on, darling...
I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.
What the world...
Needs now...
Is love...
Sweet love.
No, not just for some...
But everyone.
Austin, get on with it.
I'm going to do it.
Right hand green!
You all right?
You know what?
Wait a tick. I forgot something in the lobby.
Why don't I take the stairs?
Why take the stairs when I could take the escalator?
Why take the escalator when I've got a perfectly good canoe?
I know what-- I'll take the elevator.
Come have some champagne with me.
Oh, I tripped.
I haven't had this much fun since college.
I'm sorry.
Why?
I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die.
Always wanting to have fun, that's you in a nutshell.
No, this is me in a nutshell.
Help! I'm in a nutshell!
How did I get into this nutshell?
Look at the size of this bloody great big--
What sort of shell has a nut like this?
This is crazy.
Look at you.
You're smashed.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm the sensible one.
I'm always the designated driver.
Kiss me.
I can't, darling.
You're drunk. It's not right.
I'm not drunk.
I'm just beginning to see...
what my mummy was talking about all those years ago.
I can't.
Tell me all about my mummy in the sixties.
I'm dying to know what she was like.
She was very groovy.
Your dad loved her very much.
If there was one other cat in this world...
that could have loved her...
and treated her as well as your dad it was me.
But unfortunately for yours truly...
that train has sailed.
Come on, roll over.
Sleepytime.
Austin needs his hand back.
This is Basil Exposition from British lntelligence.
I want you to find out what part Virtucon plays...
in something called Project Vulcan.
Go to Alotta Fagina's penthouse immediately.
Great.
Cheeky, huh?
Come on, baby, give it to me.
You seem surprised to see me, Miss Fagina.
What do you want... Mr. Cunningham, was it?
Your boss, Number Two...
I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills.
How did you know?
I didn't, baby.
You just told me.
We can talk about business later.
Let me slip into something more comfortable.
Oh, behave.